People Leaving Voicemails to Let Me Know They Called

Dear voice mail abusers,

Voice mail should be used for only the most serious reasons: You don't want to be the one to tell me it's malignant, you are rattling off the first fifty digits of Pi or you just met Incubus and they're recording "Wish you were here" with the name "Kirsten" in place of "you." All reasonable to be recorded.

However, if I get one more voice mail message saying "Hey, Kirsten, just wanted to let you know I called, call me back!" I might start wearing diet coke cans in my hair like Lady Gaga. It drives me THAT crazy. If I have your number and I've seen the "missed call" icon, I understand that you indeed called and I should indeed call you back. INDEED. Stop wasting my time having to go check my voicemail and repeatedly push "7" to delete your waste of two minutes of my life.

I didn't want to call anyone out, but Mom, this has got to stop. I will call you back at my earliest convenience to discuss how many hours of sleep I got and if I'm getting enough protein in my diet. I promise.

BUT I STILL LOVE YOU.

Love,

Kirsten

Nickelback

Dear Canada,

I can handle Alanis Morissette's angry Canadian bitch rock. I can handle Celine Dion (the greatest singer in zee world.) I even have a soft spot for Justin Bieber's oversexed Kid's Bop thing he has going on (in a non child-molester way.) But what on earth did the USA do to deserve Chad Kroeger's Jesus mullet and 50+ different versions of the same audio vomit he likes to call "songs?"

Are you guys still pissed about the 1980 Olympics hockey thing? NEWS FLASH: You won this year.

When I turn on the radio to find the soul crushing screaming of Chad (which, if you allow me to get imaginative with my similes, sounds like he has a small animal wrapped in sandpaper lodged in his throat but chooses to shout over it,) at best a piece of my soul dies and at worst, I'm not in control of radio and have to punch myself in the face to numb the pain until it ends.

BLAME CANADA.

Love,

Kirsten